(CMR) It is often said that children of today are not as respectful as children years ago. The influence of technology is often blamed for this change, but are parents doing enough?
Parents Magazine writer Catherine Newman explains that teaching kids to treat all people with kindness and decency is the duty of all parents. The key is to set the right example. Here are 10 ways she suggests parents can teach children to be respectful:
Value your kids’ choices.
A good way to practice is with a low-stakes request: Your son wants to wear unmatched socks? Let him! Respect your child's preferences and style (even if you'd never wear a plaid shirt under a party dress) as a way of laying the groundwork for respecting the fact that this human is different from you. You want to get out of the rain, but your preschooler wants to stand outside and watch the water gushing down from the gutters. What does respecting that difference look like? It could be grabbing an umbrella from the house, waiting inside with a big towel, or saying, “You're super excited about water today! Let's run you a bath. It's too cold to stay out in the rain.” The particular content of your response is less important than the fact that it honors your child's interest.
Speak politely.
And remember that however you speak to your child is the way he'll speak to you and everybody else. For example, “Ugh! Why do you always take so long to put on your shoes?” could be better expressed as a respectful observation: “You're working so hard to tie your shoes! I love that. I wonder if we should start getting ready earlier so that you have more time to practice without my rushing you.” Similarly, “Let me get you a sponge, sweetie” teaches respect (and problem solving) in a way that “You're always so messy” doesn't. And if you screw up because you're an actual person and not a Zen-scented candle? Apologize.
Give kids a voice in decision-making.
Research shows that children benefit from developmentally appropriate participation in decisions that affect their own lives, says Dr. Thomas Lickona, a developmental psychologist. Asking, “What should we serve for dinner when your friend comes over tomorrow?” or “What music should we listen to in the car?” shows kids that you see them as people who have feelings and their own points of view.
Resolve conflicts thoughtfully.
Dr. Lickona recommends sit-down family discussions he calls “fair hearings,” which involve offering a responsive, democratic ear to your children's opinions. You want your kids to see that you are doing your best to listen respectfully, even if you disagree with them. As they grow up, the issues will only get bigger—quitting chorus, questioning faith, dating someone you don't like—and it's important to have the practice of mutual respect solidly in place.
This doesn't mean kids always get what they want, and it doesn't mean there's no room for strong feelings. But instead of saying, “Don't be disrespectful,” try to listen to the feelings behind what seems like disrespect.
Give your full attention.
Listen, and model active listening by putting down your phone, making eye contact, and asking follow-up questions. Dr. Lickona calls good listening “an act of love,” and it really is. One day those kids will have phones (if they don't already), and you'll want them to have had plenty of experience with you putting yours down to look up and tune in.
Teach kids deep manners.
Yes, this is also known as etiquette, but I'm not talking about using the proper fork. I'm talking about “Please pass the pasta” and “Thank you so much for coming to my birthday party,” and other gracious responses that say, “I appreciate your efforts on my behalf and respect the time you took.” You'll also want to help your kids learn to apologize and take responsibility for their actions if they do something (even by accident) that hurts someone else. If they don't have the language for what they want to say, you can help by offering some. Not “Your silly action figure broke, and I don't know why you still have that thing anyway,” but “I broke the arm off your Boba Fett action figure when I was trying to stuff a lightsaber into his hand. I know that he was one of your favorites, and I'm sorry.”
Cultivate curiosity.
Yes, your child may go through phases of really wanting to monologue about Minecraft, and you will want to help him learn the give-and-take of mutual conversation. Showing an interest in other people is an important antidote to me-me-me narcissism—the kind that is both annoying and, in a bigger way, treacherous. Teach your kids that good conversation involves asking questions. Because even if the question is about something small (“Has string cheese always been your favorite after-school snack?”), it is part of a bigger curiosity that says, in essence: I know that you are different from me. Who are you, and how do you feel about the world?
Practice positive gossip.
This means noticing what's good about the people in your life and talking about it. You might say, “Katie has gotten so good at the recorder! I can't believe that she and her friends can play ‘Hot Cross Buns' with all that cool harmony,” or “I love how Grandma always remembers that your favorite color is blue. She's so thoughtful.” Positive gossip is basically the opposite of behind-someone's-back nastiness, and it's wonderful for developing gratitude, appreciation, and—yes—respect.
Call your kids out (respectfully).
Let's say that you usually kindly bring your child a snack to eat in the car after school, but you forgot today, and let's say that your child reflects on this lapse by rolling his eyes and mumbling, “What a stupid head.” Take a deep breath and count to ten. Remember that in order to teach respect, you need to show respect. Then model respectful limit setting: “I'm sorry that I forgot your Goldfish crackers, and I know you're hungry,” you might say. “But do you hear the way your voice sounds when you're talking to me like that? It makes me feel bad, and it also makes me not really want to do nice things for you.” I would ask for an apology too.
Experience other cultures and ways of being.
Broaden your child's mind so that respect and curiosity—rather than negative judgment—is her automatic response to difference. This might mean talking about what was most interesting at a neighbor's bar mitzvah, eating at the Korean restaurant that just opened in town, or going to the gay-pride parade. Read a book about kids all around the world, one like DK's Children Just Like Me, so you can talk about what's similar and different.
- Fascinated
- Happy
- Sad
- Angry
- Bored
- Afraid